Guest blogger - Espiegle

Hi ya'll! I've gotten my good friend, Espiegle to write a blog post about how it was growing up, and finding her way in life. She's one of my best friends, and we mett online. But we are bestest friends now.
 Enjoy her blog post!

When I was a kid, I absolutely hated to play with dolls. Instead, I played with knives and I climbed in trees. I stole firecrackers and lit them in front of my brother when I was four, and I learnt how to ride a motorcycle when I was eleven years old. I constantly got into fights, and I was more interested in the cars my dad repaired than playing house with my friends. Yet, my mother was extremely surprised when I told her that I'm a lesbian.

I don't know exactly how or when I understood that I only like girls. I suppose it started quite early; I've had a soft spot for Alanis Morissette for as long as I can remember. I can remember seeing the clip to "Ironic" at an early age, and I found her the sweetest woman in the world. However, it didn't become apparent to me before I saw "The Lord of the Rings" in the cinema when I was eleven. I stared plastering my walls with Liv Tyler. Sometimes in her underwear, sometimes with her pointed elven ears and the pale complexion of Arwen Undomiel.
My first real crush came when I was about 14 years old. There was a girl in my class that didn't have all that many friends. My best friend decided that we should try to get to know her a bit better. Even though the school was quite far away from my house, we didn't have any bus that could take us there. In stead, we used to take our bikes. Every day we stopped by the house of that girl, waiting for her to come out and join us.
What started out as something done out of pity, soon turned into love. At least for my part. As far as I know, she has never returned my feelings. I've watched her turn into a wonderful woman over the years. She's the best female friend I've ever had. Because of our studies, we don't see each other all that much anymore, but I still love her.
Okay... It isn't all about stupid crushes on celebrities and unrequited love. I have been with a few girls over the years. Some that were very sweet, some that smelled strange, some that only wanted me for a night. But I still love her, that one, beautiful, intelligent and interesting girl that I got to know when I was fourteen. I hope she doesn't know. I don't want to risk our friendship. I'd rather have her and take care of her as a friend than to not have her in my life at all. She's not homophobic at all, but it would be too awkward for her. At least I think it would be. I'm not brave enough to take the chance.

I've grown up in a rather homophobic family. Thus, I wouldn't quite accept that I liked girls. "I can't be a f***** dyke! That's impossible!" I thought to myself. I suppose I felt some kind of shame, and I didn't feel comfortable with the fact that I actually was a bit out of the "ordinary" (I won't begin to discuss what's ordinary or normal. I won't.), just like next to everybody at school claimed. I had enough problems there, as it was. I had good grades, different interests and clothes, and most people hated med for it. Or at least; that's what I was lead to believe. During this time, I event spent a lot of time with boys, trying to find a boyfriend that I could actually develop some feelings for. The short of it: It didn't work.

When I begun high-school, I started slowly making my way out of the closet. I had a lot of good friends (gay and straight) that supported me, and I didn't feel ashamed in the least, anymore. I studied away from my family, and I didn't hear stupid jokes about "arse bandits" and plumbers anymore.

I often hear that the quality of ones life greatly increases after having come out of the closet. This is not the way I see it. I feel more comfortable not having hide who I am with, but I'm still the same person. My life is still the same. Everybody can see the fire in my eyes at new year's eve when I get to light firecrackers (and maybe smuggle some away for later use...), and I still discuss cars with my dad.

1 comment:

  1. I really see what you've gone through, and I know I'm into some of the same problems you faced. You're lucky you've come through! Wish you luck :)